Just missing Ashley

I'm sorry everyone, but tonight's entry is going to be a sad one. I have several others that I'm still planning to write (including one about Central Park), but I'm not feeling any of them tonight, so please bear with me as I release a little bit of the emotion pent up inside of me.

I have to be honest--I've been struggling a lot lately. I felt like I was on the path to recovery, and my life has certainly been quite busy. To the casual observer everything appears to be fine. And if you asked, I would probably tell you that it is.

But in truth I would most likely be lying because I'm not fine just now. I will be, of course, but right now I'm not.

I can't say exactly what triggered this rush of emotion (although I have a few suspects), but I've been missing our beautiful angel a lot lately. I've been trying hard to keep it under control, to deal with it and not burden anybody with my grief. I didn't want to talk about it because I wasn't sure exactly what I felt inside so I couldn't very well put it into words for someone else. But I should be smarter than that because trying to keep it inside doesn't really work for me and really just exacerbates the problem.

Which leaves me where I'm at right now--feeling broken and miserable inside. And missing Ashley almost as much as I did right after she died. I was so sad this morning that I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to call in depressed, but I knew that wouldn't really help me, so I made myself get up, get ready and go to work. And I put on my work face, hoping nobody would notice. I even laughed and giggled about some silly things. But inside I hurt fiercely. And tonight the dam broke so I could finally let it all out.

I guess it's just another layer of grief that's surfacing. I'm sure that's going to happen more over the next few weeks, months and even years. And I know that I'm not alone in my grief. Tonight I read my wonderful sister's last blog post, and she talked about how she misses her every hour of every day. But she was her mom after all, so she's entitled to miss her. I hope that it gets a little easier over time, even if the hole never goes away.

In the meantime I'm just going to pray hard to make it through this latest bout of grief.

Just in case I haven't depressed you enough, I'm going to include some pictures of things I miss about my Miss Sassypants.

I miss the sass and silliness that characterized her.

I miss her visits to Salt Lake City (even if she was going to see her cardiologist) when I got to meet up with her, and whichever family members came, for lunch. I will always treasure those times, especially now. Or when we got to do fun stuff like get ice cream. Oh, and I also miss her happy smile.

I miss how playful she always was, doing silly things to make everyone laugh. And I miss having her at my house.

And, I'm sorry because this may be a tearjerker, but I miss how much she loved me. You could bask in the warmth that always came from Ashley's heart. She cared about everyone around her so much and was always looking out for your well being. Even a night or two before she died when she was so sick, she was still asking her mom if she had enough blankets and pillows. She was and still is our beautiful angel.

I know you're not gone, but I sure do miss you. I hope you are not only resting in peace but also doing great work on the other side with other family members who are already in heaven. I'm still waiting for the day when I get to see you again! Love you!