I have plenty of things I’d like to write about in here, HP7.2, which I saw last week and loved, my upcoming vacation to my favorite place with my entire family or even my love for White Collar. But tonight my heart is turned to just one thing, or rather one person.
You see tomorrow would’ve been her 14th birthday. For the last two weeks I’ve felt just fine and thought I could make it through this day without a lot of emotions and/or tears. Wrong.
Tonight I just started thinking about this night 14 years ago when she was born and little did we know what a beautiful angel had been sent to our family or that we’d only get to keep her for 12 years. But she lived a wonderful life and that’s always worth celebrating.
My mind is caught tonight on moments in time. Moments that I was able to spend with her, moments when her silliness or sass delighted my aunt heart, moments when she showed just how much love was contained in that sweet heart of hers, moments when I was down and she helped pick me back up, moments I was able to pick her up, particularly when she was in the hospital since I lived so close.
My mind is filled to overflowing with such moments. Sometimes those memories make me smile, but tonight they make me sad. But I’m sad for selfish reasons because I know that she is now free from pain and suffering and is happy and safe on the other side, while we’re still here missing her like crazy and waiting impatiently for the day we get to see her again.
She isn’t here anymore, but I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that she isn’t gone. She lives on. She’s watching over us, and she’s sometimes permitted to join us for important family events. I’ve felt her at a couple already, and I know she’s going to be at many more.
The times when I feel her close comfort me because I know she’s living on and I’m sure she’s doing great work on the other side. But they also make me ache with sadness that she can’t be here with us right now. At those times I want to shake my fist at the heavens and yell at God for taking her away. I want him to feel the same pain I feel inside, but I can’t and won’t choose to do so. I know her life mission has been completed and that’s why she was taken home to heaven. As Elder Scott said in his conference address a couple of years ago, now we all have a reason to live extremely well so we can see her again.
And I know this is possible because our Savior Jesus Christ atoned for our sins and overcame death so we could all live again. I can’t be angry at Heavenly Father because He watched his son be crucified and rejected in the cruelest way possible and could do nothing about it because it was set up that way in the beginning. If anybody knows the true meaning of pain, He does, and so does our Savior. They can succor me and lift me up at the times when I think the pain is unbearable.
So, I will let myself fall apart when the occasion demands, then get back up and get to work, doing the work I’m supposed to accomplish. I know that’s what Ashley would want. She wouldn’t want us to be sad, but I know she understands when we are. At least I have special moments in time with her that I can hold onto that provide me peace and comfort in the times when I really miss her.
Happy birthday, beautiful angel! I still love and miss you very much. Please keep watching over all of us, particularly your family, who still feel your absence. Good thing families are forever.