I swear that sometimes I can't do anything right! No matter how hard I try I keep messing up and inevitably end up hurting someone's feelings, making an incorrect assumption or saying something I shouldn't. I don't seem like the type of person who does these types of things, but lately I feel like I am that way, and it's frustrating to me. I just want to be my kind self, going through life making peace rather than big waves, but alas, it seems such is not going to be the case.
I don't know what it is but it seems like maybe I'm a slow learner or something because in any given time period I tend to run into the same situations over and over again. Last year it was encountering situations where I had to choose not to be offended. I consistently chose the higher route, but yet I kept encountering that again.
As of late, it seems I keep making wrong assumptions, say something about it because I'm certain I'm right only to find out I'm wrong. Not only does it make the person I said or did this to feel bad, but it also make me feel terrible. I keep telling myself I'm going to stop and then somehow it happens again. Something of this nature happened today. I'm not going to discuss it in such a public forum, but suffice it to say I created drama, accidentally mind you, and then I had to fix it. I feel really bad about it, but once you've said something you can't go back and unsay it. You have to live with the consequences. It's often a bitter pill to swallow.
However, the silver lining about this is that I have learned how powerful it is to suck up your pride and just say I'm sorry. It's almost unbelievable how that simple act can make such a difference. It's hard to let your pride go enough to do it, but from the perspective of the offender, it's much easier to do that than it is to hold onto a grudge. It can change an attitude more quickly than any defensive "on your high horse" action could. And it makes me feel peaceful inside when I do that because I know that even though saying sorry can't fix what I've done, at least it makes me feel better inside.
It's also teaching me more about the Atonement: no matter how many times we offend God, we can always say we're sorry (repent and commit to do better) and He will forgive us. He waits for us with arms wide open. And it doesn't matter that we do it over and over and over again, because we're all natural men and women, He is still always willing to forgive us. It's powerful to think about that.
Now I just need to work on my perfectionistic complex. No matter how much I tell myself otherwise--I am NOT, in fact, perfect. I just wish I could get myself to believe that. It would make my life so much simpler!