Thursday, February 24, 2011

The dark place

I’ve been meaning to write a birthday recap post for the last couple of days but I just seem to have been too busy to get around to it. I would do it now except I’m just not feeling up to it. You’ll see why below. Stay tuned though because it’s definitely in the cards for this weekend!

Two days ago it was my birthday, and anyone who knows me knows how much I love it! This year’s birthday was a complete 180-degree turnaround from last year’s, a very much welcome change, believe me. I had a wonderful day, and many people did kind things for me, which I am happy to write all about in my recap post.

What I suppose I hadn’t anticipated about this time of year is that it would be tinged with sadness. We’re quickly approaching the one year anniversary of the passing of my niece. In some ways I can’t believe we’re at that point already and in other ways it feels like forever since I’ve seen her, heard her tell me that she loved me and prayed for the time when she would be released from the pain and suffering of her mortal life. I’m not sorry she’s done with that, but I am sad it means we won’t ever see her again in this life.

My heart still hurts and misses her desperately and when it feels like it’s all right, a part of me is screaming inside that it’ll never be all right again, but I’m just going to have to learn to live with it because what choice do I have? I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad, but sometimes I can’t help it. I just am.

But it’s not just the anniversary of my niece’s death that’s been making me sad and feel like I’m sliding toward the dark place again. Other factors have also figured into it. Changes in friendships that aren’t by my choice and that I have no control over also make me sad. I think I’ve mostly accepted that too, but it doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt me at times.

I’ve been trying so hard to make positive changes in my life and be a better person, but sometimes I feel like it’s not good enough, that no matter what I do I’ll never be good enough. Or I backslide on changes I have made, reverting to old habits that just seem to die hard. I know change comes slowly, and I just have to be patient and keep at it, but it’s hard when the dang natural man gets in the way!

And there are certain righteous desires that I want with my whole heart that just aren’t happening for me yet. I’m trying to get myself to a place that I would be ready and open to receive them, and sometimes I feel close while other times it feels as far away as ever. So I sigh loudly (and perhaps a little dramatically) and try to content myself with the many blessings I already have. And, yes, I do know that I am very blessed, and I appreciate that, but even that can’t fill the ache for what I want most.

My emotions have been all over the place in the last couple of weeks. I hoped it was just hormones so it would quickly pass, but such doesn’t seem to be the case. For crying out loud I almost started bawling my eyes out watching an episode of The Biggest Loser tonight!! Besides the contestants themselves (who do it for the cameras in many cases) who cries over a weight loss show?!

So I’m sorry this post is not such a cheery one. I’m certain I’ll be just fine and I’m strong enough to make it through this just like I have many other things. Believe me when I say having been deeply entrenched in the dark place at this time last year I have no desire to be there again. Plus, my circumstances have changed a lot since then. I’m sure I’ll be fine. Just bear with me as I make my way through this as best I can, especially since I might use my blog to help me through it.

1 comment:

Julie said...

You're great Tammy! Happy Birthday! This year will be better, right? :0)