Saturday, May 8, 2010

Alone Time: Love it or Hate it?

As I write this today I find myself sitting in my basement with both of my roommates gone until tomorrow. But don't worry--I'm leaving shortly to participate in fun activities for the evening, so I won't just be hanging out by myself all night. Trust me that's a good thing!

But being alone always puts me in a reflective mood probably because I both love and loathe it so much. I do enjoy having alone time, also known as "me" time, to sit and think or to do whatever it is I need to accomplish. I like to use it to space out from the day, particularly if it's been a long one, and sometimes use it to cry. I prefer to cry when I'm alone as opposed to when I'm with other people. It just suits me better. I also like the alone time because I can do pretty much whatever the heck I want to. I can blast my music, clean my house or simply sit and read a book all day. In fact, I prefer having an empty house when I clean. But that's beside the point.

On the flip side, I also HATE the idea of being alone. I hate feeling like there's no one there if I need them and especially that there's nobody to talk to. I know, I know my phone makes it possible for me to talk to someone whenever I want but it's not the same as having someone there. Sometimes I think I'm even afraid of being alone just a little bit because then I have to think about all the things I can mask during the day when I'm with other people. And I let my guard down, which isn't an entirely bad thing.

I suppose that the key to enjoying alone time is to just learn to embrace it, to not be afraid of what I might think when I'm alone or how I might feel and instead just let myself feel those things. I also have to convince myself that it's not pathetic.

A couple weeks ago I did a brave thing: I went to a movie by myself. I know there are plenty of people who do it all the time, but I'm not one of them. I've always thought I wouldn't enjoy the movie as much if I was by myself or, again, that I'd feel pathetic. This time I just feel empowered, which seems strange, but it all has to do with this transformation I'm going through right now. And for a girl who both loves and loathes alone time like I do, this is a big accomplishment.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to teach myself how to enjoy alone time while not letting it overwhelm me. Wish me luck!

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