End of summer blues

Today is the 21st of August. That means the month is more than halfway over. And I was distressed to learn that several schools are already starting next week. Not that school starting is a bad thing; I’m just distressed that it means the end of summer is rapidly approaching.

Once again I find myself rather melancholy at that thought.

When I was younger I didn’t like it because it meant those lazy summer days with no school were over, even though I was usually excited to start a new school year. The change was always exciting, and I used to anticipate going back to school. Yes, I was nerdy like that, but with both of my parents as teachers, how could I help it?

Now I still get sad but for different reasons. I’m usually sad because I so desperately love and anticipate the summer. I love that it’s green outside, that it’s light for so long, that I can hear the birds as I wake up in the morning, that I don’t have to worry about defrosting my car as I dash to the train, that I don’t have to wear a jacket or long pants and that it’s fun to be outside enjoy the beauty our Father in Heaven created. Yes, I pretty much love it all. I enjoy that summer tends to be a more relaxed time and there’s always plenty of fun activities to look forward to.

I also love that it’s vacation season which usually means I get to spend plenty of time with my family. There’s always the Yellowstone vacation to look forward to and, if I’m lucky, another trip to anticipate. But when it’s all over, it’s a bit of a letdown. This year I got smart though and decided to do my big trip in October so I have something to look forward to. I’m excited that I was able to plan it that way.

I suppose what I’m most sad about is the time that has disappeared. Those memories are so precious to me and part of me wants to go back so I can live it all again. But I know life isn’t meant to be lived by looking backward, only moving forward. Yes, I can look back on all the great times I’ve had this summer and cherish them, keeping them close to my heart.

And in the next two weeks as August winds its way quickly to September, I’m going to do my best to live it up and enjoy the summer while I can. I’m going to find the way to make each moment count as much as I can. That should help me fight these end of summer blues.

Looking into 2011

I’m blogging a lot this weekend, but for the record, this particular post is one I’ve been meaning to write for a couple of weeks but somehow just haven’t gotten around to. Yes, I am referring to my goal-setting post.

I was so proud of myself last year for making the effort to write a post with my goals in it and then to report my progress as this year started. I don’t know that I’ve ever really done that before, but it was very effective. I’d like to continue my success by writing a few of my goals for 2011. I’m going to try to keep it simple, but I am me, so if I overexplain, just know it’s a weakness common to my sex.

1) Be more grateful — I have so many wonderful blessings in my life, but it galls me sometimes how ungrateful I am and thinking I always need more. I’d like to make a special effort to be more grateful and am already making efforts to do so from thank yous, to my calendar. I’d also like to write one post of something I’m grateful for, and none of them can be the same, each week.

2) Continue with physical fitness and healthy eating — I am very proud of myself for the progress I’ve made in the last year. I have done great with losing weight and incorporating more healthy eating. I’d like to continue this into the new year and maybe even to take it up a notch. As I’ve mentioned previously, I very much value my heart and my body so I want to take care of them.

3) Get out of debt — I looked online this weekend and discovered just how close I am to paying off my car, and all I can say is, “WA-HOO!!” I am determined to not only pay off my car, but also a tiny bit of credit card debt and my student loan. Before the year is out I want to call into Dave Ramsey’s radio show and loudly proclaim, “I’M DEBT FREE!!”

4) Improve my cooking skills — I think I do fine where cooking is concerned, but it’s pretty routine and can even be slightly boring. I’d like to take a few cooking classes, get brave and experiment with some new recipes or be mentored by people I’d consider to be great cooks. I know that I can do it. I’m just kicking myself a little bit for not taking up the Daily Deal from a couple months ago that was offering three or four cooking classes for a great price. Oh well!

5) Do something I’ve never done before that scares me — I want to be brave and bold and try something completely out of character for me like skydiving or paragliding. I’m not sure exactly what this looks like, but I’m determined to make it happen. I’ll report back on my progress.

6) Go to the temple twice a month every month this year — I’m faithful about making sure I go at least once a month, but I’d like to commit to upping that to twice a month this entire year. Of course I can always go more than that, but twice a month for sure. You think I can do it? I’m pretty sure I can.

Wish me luck, brave readers, as I embark on, in the words of my former bishop, “Making this the best year of my life.”

My Life This Year

I wanted to write a thankful post for several days now, and tonight I actually have time to do it, but, alas, I'm afraid I'm not in a very thankful mood so I think it's a no go. But keep holding on because I'm sure it'll be coming soon.

Lately I've been thinking about everything that's happened in my life this year and quite honestly it's making me feel overwhelmed. I know that I've already lived through it, but there's something about going through it in my mind that somehow makes it completely overwhelming all over again. And brings back many of the emotions associated with said events. * Sigh * Sometimes I hate that girls are so prone to be emotional all the time. It just isn't fun. :(

I am a believer that things happen for a reason, so I know the experiences I've had have not come without reason. I guess the good part is I feel I've learned significantly from them, and I appreciate the growth I can see in myself. The hard part is they've involved doing and feeling a lot of difficult things, things that, quite honestly, I don't know that I want to re-live, so I hope I never have to.

I feel like a completely different person than who I was a year ago or even six months ago. I'm still me, but so different in so many ways. My task now is to accept this new me and to really take the time to process everything that's gone on in my life. I thought that I'd dealt with all the emotions already, but I think there's still some things I need to process and work on accepting. The depth of emotion still connected to some of these things is surprising to me which probably means that I haven't quite finished dealing with it, but now that I'm aware of that, I can hopefully fix the problem.

I know that I keep alluding to things, but I don't feel like airing my dirty laundry (anymore than I have in previous posts), so I'm not going into specifics. Either use your imagination, read my past posts or ask me about it, and I can probably tell you. I hope I don't sound dramatic because that's not my intention. Writing what I feel and think helps me to process things, so please bear with me as I do so.

I also want to say thanks to everyone who has supported me and been there for me through everything. Know that you are loved and appreciated more than words can ever express. If I don't quite seem like me, well, just know that I'm working on it. And I might be different than I was before. I don't know how someone could go through the experiences I've been through and not be changed by them. I guess some people could, but I can't.

Choices

Oh my goodness! I've been dying this week because I wanted to write in my blog all week long, but, alas I still don't have Internet access at home. It's driving me crazy! I'm still looking into solutions and have a couple in mind but nothing definite yet.

I wanted to write yesterday about those key moments in life when you realize you're presented with an important choice of whether to accept something or not. Either way is going to have consequences, but you have only a short time to decide which way you'll choose.

I've had at least two experiences in my life when this happened to me. Something came up and I really didn't like either situation, but I was forced to choose whether I'd accept it or not. Acceptance meant putting myself on the road to being okay with something that really wasn't, while not accepting it would just make me miserable.

In both cases I chose to take the higher road and accept the situation, even if I didn't like it. And I was better off for having done so.

This week I've been presented with a similar choice. Some things have happened at work that, quite honestly, I don't really like. I was hoping that the situation might change, but such is not going to be the case. The other day it was made clear to me that not only was it NOT going to change but it was going to be even worse than I'd anticipated. And there was nothing I could do about it.

So. . . the question now is do I choose to accept the situation and do my best to deal with it? Or do I hold back and potentially make myself more miserable in the process, fruitlessly hoping there was still a chance it could change?

Being me, I squared my shoulders and tried to make the best of a difficult situation. I have to be honest--I was resentful of the whole situation, despite deciding the best choice was to accept what I didn't like. And today it was a little better, but this is far from over.

I'm going to have to work harder than ever and probably do some things I don't like, but I'm sure it'll be okay. After all, I've already made the choice to accept the situation, even if it's preferable to not do so. Wish me luck!

Endings and beginnings

Today I saw the ending of an era for the members of my ward: a new bishopric was put in. It's always both sad and happy to see this happen; happy because they've earned a rest from an involved and busy calling but always sad to see them go. This was no exception.

I have very much appreciated my kind and wise bishop for the two years I've been in my ward. I have sensed very much his love of all of us in the ward and of the Lord. And I've appreciated how much he has watched over me and supported me through a difficult time. I wish only the best for him and his counselors as they move onto other callings in their lives.

Today was also my last day in my ward. I've been waiting for this day for some time, anticipating it even, but I found it to be sadder than I would've thought. I think it had to do with the bishopric also leaving and of saying good-bye to people I love and appreciate who have been kind to me.

It was also sad because it made me remember my exit from my last ward two years ago, also at the same time my bishopric was released. I cried many tears that day not only for the bishopric, whom I truly loved and respected, but because I had to leave a ward I loved. But, I made the transition, and it turned out to be just fine.

All of this has put me in mind of endings and beginnings. Life is so full of both. Sometimes the end comes sooner than you would like, while other times it comes later. Some endings are more difficult while others are easier.

But, with every ending also comes a new beginning. It may not be entirely welcome, especially if the end came sooner than you wanted, but the beginning can provide a means to cope with the change. Or, if the ending was welcome, the beginning can be a gateway to other new and exciting things. It's all a matter of perspective and of dealing with the change.

Here's hoping that recent endings and beginnings in my own life can bring me the happiness and peace that I seek. I feel optimistic about the outcome, however, and am sure everything will work out for the best.

Alone Time: Love it or Hate it?

As I write this today I find myself sitting in my basement with both of my roommates gone until tomorrow. But don't worry--I'm leaving shortly to participate in fun activities for the evening, so I won't just be hanging out by myself all night. Trust me that's a good thing!

But being alone always puts me in a reflective mood probably because I both love and loathe it so much. I do enjoy having alone time, also known as "me" time, to sit and think or to do whatever it is I need to accomplish. I like to use it to space out from the day, particularly if it's been a long one, and sometimes use it to cry. I prefer to cry when I'm alone as opposed to when I'm with other people. It just suits me better. I also like the alone time because I can do pretty much whatever the heck I want to. I can blast my music, clean my house or simply sit and read a book all day. In fact, I prefer having an empty house when I clean. But that's beside the point.

On the flip side, I also HATE the idea of being alone. I hate feeling like there's no one there if I need them and especially that there's nobody to talk to. I know, I know my phone makes it possible for me to talk to someone whenever I want but it's not the same as having someone there. Sometimes I think I'm even afraid of being alone just a little bit because then I have to think about all the things I can mask during the day when I'm with other people. And I let my guard down, which isn't an entirely bad thing.

I suppose that the key to enjoying alone time is to just learn to embrace it, to not be afraid of what I might think when I'm alone or how I might feel and instead just let myself feel those things. I also have to convince myself that it's not pathetic.

A couple weeks ago I did a brave thing: I went to a movie by myself. I know there are plenty of people who do it all the time, but I'm not one of them. I've always thought I wouldn't enjoy the movie as much if I was by myself or, again, that I'd feel pathetic. This time I just feel empowered, which seems strange, but it all has to do with this transformation I'm going through right now. And for a girl who both loves and loathes alone time like I do, this is a big accomplishment.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to teach myself how to enjoy alone time while not letting it overwhelm me. Wish me luck!

Writing just because

I've been feeling like I need to write something in my blog sometime in the last week, but I don't really have anything terribly exciting to say. I might feel the need because my last entry was such a downer (sorry but I really was disappointed) or just because I hate going too long without writing. But here I am writing even without much to say.

I guess I could talk about Idol and how I'm soooo ready for Hollywood week to just be over already. They over dramatize and drag it out to the max and by the time all of that is done, I'm just ready for them to start the singing competition already. Hallelujah that tomorrow is the last night of Hell Week, as it's so fondly called.

I do think that Ellen has done well thus far. She's kept the one liners to a minimum or used them at appropriate times, and she has made it about the contestants. I actually think she's a better judge than both Kara and Randy to be quite honest. She is honest but less brutal than Simon, which is often a refreshing change. I'm already seeing some favorites emerge from this crop of singers, and I'm interested so see how they do as the competition really gets underway. Hmmm

The other subject I can talk about is the Olympics! I love watching the Olympics. I would say I love all the events, but the truth is that I don't love all events equally. I did enjoy the moguls and I like speed skating, but figure skating is my top choice. Speak, Smirk and I just got finished watching the mens short program. We saw some pretty awesome skaters, and it'll be interesting to see how it all shakes out on Thursday. Usually we don't have very strong talent in men's figure skating, but this year there are a couple standouts.

I feel terrible for Jeremy Abbott whose Olympic debut was less than ideal. I think he ended up in 14th place, mostly because he missed his jumps. The judges are apparently harsher with men's skating than with pairs because there were a number of pairs skaters who biffed it or missed their jumps and they still got higher scores than what I thought they deserved. Oh well. I'm hardly a skating expert so I should just chill. But it still seems awfully suspicious. . .

In any case, I sure do enjoy watching the Olympic events. It's getting late now so I'd probably better go. I'll write more later.