Doubts … and Faith

It’s late right now, and I should’ve been asleep about an hour ago. And, yet, I find myself troubled by Sunday night insomnia once again. So, instead, I’m going to write a quick post about an important lesson I learned this week.

As you know, grad school is coming up fast. I’m down to less than two months before it starts. A brand new requirement this year is for all incoming students to complete an MBA math course to help prepare us for the “rigorous math curriculum” we’ll be doing in the program.

Well … math isn’t my strong suit anyway, and it’s been about 12 years since my last math class. So, I was more than a little stressed when I got the email telling me I had to take the class. However, I decided to put my head down and go to work.

The class has five different modules: Excel, Finance, Economics, Statistics and Accounting. A lot of it has to do with learning how to use Excel to do this math. While I know Excel basics, it’s been good for me to learn more of the math functions in the program. So, in that respect, the class has been good for me already.

This week I officially hit a low point. I came to a concept which wasn’t explained well, and I was absolutely not getting it. My plan was to find any way to understand it enough to pass the final quiz and call it good. However, my colleague, who is already in the program, told me it’s a concept that comes up all the time, so I knew that option wasn’t going to work.

Then I started thinking … if I can’t get this concept, how in the world am I going to complete two years of vigorous business classes? Can I even do it? Am I going to be successful? If I’m going to put this much time, effort and money into something I certainly don’t want to fail.

And, my doubts took over, making me question if this was truly going to work out for me. All week long I’ve been struggling with this concept in particular, but worrying if I could handle the program as a whole.

Yesterday I learned that I truly can!

I had a family party in the evening and after fulfilling some obligations in the morning, I had limited time to work on my homework. While still working through it, I ran into a computer problem I couldn’t figure out how to solve. I was so frustrated I almost started crying.

However, after saying a little prayer, I was not only able to fix the problem, but I also discovered why my formula  wasn’t working. I continued my homework, and eventually, successfully finished it with an understanding of how this concept works.

In doing so, I realized my faith was being tested, my certainty in knowing this is the right decision for me. It was confirmed to me once again that grad school is absolutely the right choice. No matter how hard it’s going to be, I can do it because that’s what Heavenly Father wants me to do. I just need to have enough faith and humility to always ask for help as needed, and He’ll bless me.

It was a powerful lesson to learn, and I’m going to need to hold onto it, especially when things get tough, as I’m sure they will.

And the adventure for this week is . . .

This week I had an interesting experience that I wanted to share here, in my blog. I haven’t ever been through anything quite like it, which is why it struck me the way it did.

So, the month of October was a busy one for my department at work with several trips planned. One of them got moved to November, but the other one this week, an Idaho market visit following my supervisor’s presentation on Wednesday, has been in the works for awhile. I’ve been anticipating this trip for weeks because not only would it give us much-needed Idaho business, it was also a chance to visit my sister and her family.

I scheduled all the visits a week ago, and we were good to go. My only hang up was whether to drive my car or get a rental since I planned to stay through the weekend.

Except things didn’t quite turn out as planned.

I was talking to my aunt on Sunday night about the trip when I suddenly started feeling really nervous and sick to my stomach about it. I knew what it meant: something about the trip wasn’t right.

For anyone who is of a different faith, I believe that God protects us and gives us warnings when something we’re going to do will put us in danger. This was clearly that type of warning.

Since the trip was for work and all set up, I was distressed at the idea something was wrong and I shouldn’t be going after all. I tried hard to shove the thought down, but it wouldn’t go away. The more I thought about it, the sicker and more anxious I felt. And I had no idea how to explain to my supervisor, who doesn’t share my faith, that I had received a prompting from God not to go so she’d have to handle the visit on her own since I wouldn’t be there to help coordinate.

I had a conversation with a good friend who offered me some great insight. I followed her advice and had a nice conversation with my supervisor, who was very understanding, although the way I explained it to her, she kept referring to it as anxiety, when I knew it was more than that.

Suffice it to say that I didn’t end up going. Whatever the reason why I wasn’t supposed to go (most likely I’ll never know), both my mom and my grandma also had impressions of the danger to me if I made the trip, so it must’ve been something fairly serious. However, I am happy to report that I’m safe at home as I write this, so it’s a good thing I recognized a prompting and heeded it.

Waiting, just waiting

What do you do when you know the worst is coming but you don't know when? And you're halfway afraid every time your cell phone rings that it'll be that one call, the one that will tell you for sure that the thing you've been dreading for quite some time has come. Voicemail messages no longer just mean that you missed a call but they might contain sad news (although I must admit I think it'd be terrible to hear it that way).

How do you decide what to pray for? And if the person who will shortly be leaving this life has found peace knowing that her loved ones will be okay, how do you go about finding the same peace and a way to fill in the hole her departure will leave behind?

I know there will be a time, at least for a little while, where everything isn't going to be okay, and I just have to accept that. It will be hard for awhile for my whole family, particularly my sister and her family. My heart aches every time I think what they must be going through, which only makes me pray harder that they will be able to make it through and be stronger for it. I'm sure if I look deep inside myself that I can figure out what I need to do and where I need to turn for comfort and strength. It's just difficult to figure out how to make myself do it when I feel so broken and sad inside with tears threatening every time I turn around.

But all I can do is pray with all the strength I posess that somehow, some way I'll make it through this. That when the waiting is over, I will be able to bear the loss it'll bring.

Despite what it may sound like here, I do know that I am NEVER alone and that my Father in Heaven will NEVER leave me comfortless. I just need to keep things in perspective and do all the things that will draw me to Him, and to my Savior. If my wonderful, amazing sister can do it, so can I.

In the meantime, I'll just keep waiting . . .

On the Road Again

I know it's been almost a week since I've written in here, and I apologize for that. I had every intention of writing something inspiring for Christmas, but, alas, we were busy and so I didn't get around to it. I'm happy to report that we had a wonderful Christmas as a family. My sister and her husband and two boys and my brother and his wife and their three kids were all at my parents' house. It was a bit crazy at times, but we always enjoy being together. We also had some quality game-playing time. I will post pictures at a later date.

I'm happy to report that during our game playing time on Saturday, something historic happened: I beat my younger brother at Hearts! And I didn't just beat him a little bit, I kicked his trash. I know it's a terrible thing to gloat, but this seriously NEVER happens! He's always the one who watches as I collect points almost at an alarming rate and take the Queen of Spades many, many times. I was quite excited to see the tables turn and me win for once. Wa-hoo!!

Anyway, while it's been wonderful to be at my parents' house, I've really been waiting to come to my sister's house and visit my beautiful niece. She's still not doing so great, and we don't know how long we get to keep her. There have been many times during the last month when I wasn't sure I would get to see her again, so since she's still here, I definitely wanted to take the time to come up for a few days. So guess what that meant? Yup, back on the road again.

She was pretty much exhausted when my mom and I arrived. But after a bath and a short rest, she was happy to see us. My mom and I have both spent time sitting with her tonight, just holding her hand and letting her know we love her. She does look quite different than when I was here before, but she'll always be my sweet 'n sassy Miss Sassypants. And, like the rest of my family, I rejoice in what time we have left with her.

I'm still afraid of what's going to happen and how we're all going to deal with it, especially my sister and brother-in-law. However, I know that Heavenly Father will never leave us alone nor give us more than we can bear. I also know without a shadow of a doubt that he's with our family during this difficult time. He hears our prayers and answers them according to His will. It's so difficult at times to keep that in mind, but we do our best.

And in the meantime, we do our best to soak up all the time we have left with our precious angel. We all love her so much, and nothing will ever change that.

Learning to Trust

So I think after my last post, it's time to write something more cheery/positive. I've wanted to write this for a few weeks but just haven't gotten around to it. Despite the late hour, I think now is a great time to do so.

About a month ago I had a conversation with a friend about everything that is going on in my life. I was telling this person about my excellent support team who are always there for me when I need them. I know when I reach a certain point (usually a low) that I need to be willing to ask these friends for help. This friend asked if my real question was if I should be relying more on God and not on man.

I was slightly put off by the question because that's not what I'd been asking at all. However, we had a great conversation which encouraged me to think things over. I realized that I do need to put more trust in my Father in Heaven. At that point, I was already praying to be able to do so, but I don't think I was putting as much effort into it as I needed to. Following our conversation, I made a promise to myself that I would.

I recently realized that in the last few weeks I have seen myself learning to trust more in God but not in the way I would have anticipated. (Doesn't it always happen that way, though?) :)

As I mentioned in my previous post, the last few weeks have been some of the most difficult ones I've had to face. I have despaired as I read all that my niece has had to suffer, along with my sister and brother-in-law who are doing their best to take care of her. It hurts so much to know she's suffering and to realize I can do nothing to help. Physically, there's not one single thing my family or I can do to relieve her suffering.

Except thanks to the conversation I had with my friend, I know I can do something: I can pray with all the strength of my heart and then trust that Father in Heaven will hear me and bless her accordingly.

It's not an easy realization to have, but in some ways it has brought me peace on those darkest days. Even at the times when I don't know what to pray for anymore, I still know that I can pray and, more importantly, that my Heavenly Father will hear me. My job is to trust with all my heart in that being who will never let me down, and I know that He will bless her according to His will. That's the other difficult aspect of this: I also have to pray hard to be able to accept His will. But I'm pretty sure that's another whole territory that I won't go into right now.

I just feel humble to have learned this important lesson and to be doing my best to live it.

And back to the drawing board. . .

I'm still debating if I should write this or not, but since I like to use my blog to talk about things going on in my life, I guess I will. Here goes.

For the last two months I've been having this pain in my left side, just underneath my ribs, off and on. It started back in April, and, truthfully, I didn't think much about it. I thought at first that it was just a pulled muscle or something and when it didn't go away I decided it was just something I had to live with. And I was okay with that.

Well, a couple weeks ago the pain intensified. Instead of hurting occasionally, it started hurting constantly. I was still content to live with it until I visited my sister a couple weeks ago. I hadn't really talked much about it for a variety of reasons, the most important being that I didn't want to make a big deal of nothing. My sister pointed out that this pain could be something serious so I'd better get it taken care of.

I called the doctor just over a week ago, expecting it would take several weeks to get an appointment. I was shocked when I got in that day (they must've had a last-minute cancellation). The doctor was concerned about the pain in my side and another pain that had cropped up. I thought they were connected, but she said they were two separate things. She scheduled me an appointment for an ultrasound. Again, I thought it was going to take at least a week, so I was surprised when the appointment was set up for the next day.

For anyone who hasn't had one, an ultrasound is not a big deal. The problem with mine was waiting for the results. The radiologist who did my scan said they should be back to the doctor's office by the next morning at the very latest. I waited for two days and heard nothing so I called in and left a message. It took clear until this morning before I heard anything back. I was quite frustrated, mostly because I wanted to know how to proceed.

The diagnosis was also frustrating: pretty much we've done everything we can to help you so try these two other types of doctors to figure out what is causing your pain. Good luck with that! It was a relief on the one hand and completely frustrating on the other. Now the question is, where do I turn next? I think my plan will be to see a GI doctor, but since he/she is a specialist, I'm guessing it'll take a long time to get in. I'll just have to try it and see.