Merry Christmas, Ashley

Yesterday was our floor Christmas party, and this year instead of a nice luncheon somewhere, we went bowling. I'm not the world's best bowler, so I don't know that I was terribly excited, but I thought it could still be fun. I really did appallingly awful in the one game I played though. Oh well! It was all in fun anyway.

What I didn't realize until I was in the situation is the effect it would have on me. I didn’t remember that the last time I went bowling was almost two years ago when we had a small gathering at my parents’ house (by we I mean my siblings and I) and took the kids bowling.

It was such a fun night, and we all had a grand time. Here’s a picture so you can enjoy it too. Yes, what I’m talking about is that our beautiful Miss Sassypants was in attendance. Going yesterday made me remember that and miss her fiercely.

I know it’s just bowling, and it wasn’t one of her favorite activities or anything, but it was still hard to remember. It was before she started going downhill, one of the times when we were just able to have fun. And it made me sad.

I was already just a bit depressed from attending the temple the night before. As I sat in the Celestial Room and thought about her being near while I was there, it made me think how sad it is that we can’t have her here anymore, even if I know it was her time to go and she was suffering so much at the time she died that it was merciful for her to go when she did. Death is so permanent, and sometimes I think it takes losing someone you love so much to appreciate that.

I felt it again at the concert last night too. One of the songs talked about angels surrounding us and listening to the heavenly music. They had some floating angel figurines that they lowered at that point. That almost made the waterworks start up, but I got it under control.

No such luck on the last song, “Angels from the Realms of Glory.”

I don’t know if it was the idea she could be (and perhaps was) close during that song or just the idea of it, but I missed her so much that I bawled through the whole thing. And I had a difficult time stopping even when it was over.

After reading my sister’s blog last week, which almost broke my heart (follow the link http://lovemyangel1997.blogspot.com/2010/12/friday-december-9-2010.html), I’ve been praying that she would be allowed to be near her family during a time that it’s so difficult for them to have her gone, especially in this first Christmas without her.

What I didn’t realize is that perhaps being near her family meant feeling her and missing her so much myself. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I wasn’t her mother, so I didn’t have the unique mother experiences with her. I am her aunt though, and I loved her like she was my daughter, so I think it’s okay for her to miss her like she’s my daughter too.

I’ll be fine of course and make it through this bout of missing her just as I have all the others, but it’s just hard. And as a good friend once told me, of course it’s going to be okay, but sometimes it’s okay to know that it won’t be okay for awhile and just try to make my way through it.

Merry Christmas, Ashley, our beautiful angel forever!